Burst Error: Eve the 1st (PSP)  .

Burst Error: Eve the 1st is the sixth and most shameful version of the classic PC-98 mystery Eve Burst Error. The late Hiroyuki Kanno’s acclaimed story, a masterpiece that elevated him to the top tier of visual novel authors, has been rewritten. A highly-regarded soundtrack composed by the late Ryu Umemoto has been completely replaced. Even the downtrodden characters, mired in a hardboiled murder mystery, have been turned into cute moe caricatures. Imagine if Michael Cera were cast as Michael Corleone in a remake of The Godfather — some things just don’t work.

Instead of an analogy, let’s see some reality. First up is the original source material. Here’s Genzaburou Suzuki from Eve Burst Error. He works for an insurance company.

During a climactic scene, a villain holds a helpless girl at knifepoint . . .

. . . and Suzuki announces his presence without words.

 

Now that’s badass. Up until that point, heroine Marina Hojo knew there was more to this “insurance salesman” than met the eye, but she didn’t know he was such a fearsome stud. Eve Burst Error’s original author understood the strength of a silent impact. And consider this — even though I’ve shown you one of Suzuki’s coolest moments, I haven’t spoiled the man’s mystery. In Eve Burst Error, supporting characters were defined by more than a single scene.

Burst Error on PSP spoils that moment in its prologue. On the way to Japan, Marina meets insurance agent Suzuki. Their cruiseliner is attacked by a gang of pirates. I suppose a bit of swashbuckling helps establish Marina’s pedigree as a top-class secret agent. The problem with Burst Error’s prologue is that Suzuki himself pulls out a gun and starts blasting pirates. He’s no longer “Suzuki, that mysterious insurance salesman”, now he’s “Suzuki — gunner first class”.

Other characters have been similarly skewed, such as the down-on-his-luck detective Kojirou, who has transformed from an unkempt outcast into a hip playboy. In his first scene, the new moe Kojirou is seen in bed, naked, with a lady named Aqua Royd. She is soon murdered by an unknown assailant. Instead of accepting a tiny “find the missing painting” case (and accidentally unraveling a politically-charged mystery along the way), Kojirou searches for the jewel that fits into the hilt of an ornate dagger. This jewel is important because the dagger is secretly a MIND CONTROL DAGGER.

Anyone familiar with the original Eve Burst Error is probably shouting “WHAT THE FUCK” right about now, because they (1) recognize the name Aqua Royd and can’t believe that she and Kojirou really had sex, (2) can’t believe a freakin’ mystical MIND CONTROL DAGGER is in the game, and (3) can’t believe the game blows the whole “murder” wad in the first few minutes. In the original, the first murder occurred several hours into the game. It was an actual surprise.

 

The only thing that’s surprising about the PSP’s Burst Error is how bad it is. It was preceded by FOUR remakes, and all four of them were great because the source material was just that damn incredible. The new Eve IP holders — Kadokawa Shoten — clearly intend to establish a more “modern” series, but they’ll have to try much harder. Having already alienated old fans with dumb changes, Kadokawa updated the antiquated “look/think/move” interface to feel less like a digital comic and more like a visual novel. Unfortunately, this is far too “novel”, as choices are rare and mostly irrelevant — and that’s in comparison to other visual novels.

The original Eve expected me to move from one location to another and search for key characters. It wasn’t rocket science, but it felt like my detective character was actually investigating. This new remake moves from one location to another automatically. Just keep tapping that X button — in the words of my friend Rob, this is “a soundtrack where you keep pressing X” (and it’s not a good soundtrack, since Kadokawa trashed Ryu Umemoto’s compositions). The original version made me pick topics of discussion when conversing with hot ladies. This new version automatically manages the conversations for me, and the moe “ladies” appear to be thirteen years old. For some reason, the sex scenes feel a little awkward.

. . . as if the rest of Burst Error: Eve the 1st didn’t.