PS2: Sega Ages – Hokuto no Ken  .

The Master System had some great games. It also had a lot of mediocre games that people tolerated because they didn’t own an NES. Black Belt was one of those games. In the original Master System game, your character “Riki” (since Sega of America foolishly decided a random martial artist was cooler than the ultimate badass Kenshiro) walked from left to right while punching and kicking other people.

Whatever you’re expecting from this PS2 Black Belt / Hokuto no Ken remake, just forget it — Sega isn’t interested in meeting your expectations. This version looks (and controls) better, but Sega removed that whole “walking” thing. Now you just stand still, throw up a wall of rapid-fire punches, and wait for mindless thugs to walk into your fists. A single punch or kick is enough to turn any of these pinheads into a splattered pomegranate; there’s no need for any fancy double thwack attacks. It’s kind of like the barrel mini-game from Street Fighter 2, except that this time it’s the whole game. Sega tried to smooth things over with pretty backgrounds and AWESOME music, but it’s just too monotonous.

fap fap fap fap THWACK *splurt* THWACK *splurt*

(This is the part where you listen to cool music while waiting for more enemies to appear.)

fap fap fap fap THWACK *splurt* THWACK *splurt*

(The music really is very nice.)

Every now and then there’s an actual boss fight, which is Kenshiro’s chance to show off his six special moves. Some of these attacks are pretty impressive; at full power, Kenshiro darts around the screen, forming the Constellation of Death around his opponent. (The rest of us call it “The Big Dipper”.) Seven stars converge in a blinding flash, inflicting great celestial pain on Jagi or whoever Kenshiro happens to be facing. But remember: Sega doesn’t care about making you happy. After the second level, the game inexplicably benches Kenshiro and forces you to play as Rei, who only has two (boring) special moves.

fap fap fap fap THWACK *AIEEEE!* THWACK *AIEEEE!*

Sure, it’s neat to hear the distorted screams as Rei slices foes to literal ribbons, but I’d still rather play as Kenshiro. It’s kind of like when Konami forced millions of Snake-loving gamers to play as Raiden in Metal Gear Solid 2, except that most of those millions didn’t buy Hokuto no Ken.

*** end spoiler ***

After you beat the third level, Rei dies. CONGRATULATIONS! Your valor leads to painful death! Normally I’d feel insulted by such a slap in the face, but this time it’s okay because Kenshiro becomes the main character again. This is also about when the game notices its own monotony and feebly tries to correct itself . . . by removing all the enemies. This means the second half of Hokuto no Ken is actually just a series of boss fights (if three short battles qualifies as a “series”).

Sure, the original Hokuto no Ken Master System game is also included on the disc, but that’s not worth $25. If you want some Fist of the North Star action, buy the excellent PlayStation game instead; Bandai obviously cares about the franchise a lot more than Sega does. This PS2 hack-job replaces full voice acting with text bubbles, lasts thirty minutes instead of ten hours, and skips most of the coolest enemies (like the gargantuan DEVIL REVERSE).

Hell, it doesn’t even include the Ken Ou’s badical black horse.