X360: Duke Nukem Forever  .

TRIGGER WARNING: I’M A MALE

Duke Nukem Forever is art.

As explained in the ten-minute opening cinematic, Duke asked to be placed into cryogenic slumber so that he could see the babes of a future generation first-hand. After fifteen years of sleep, he’s forcibly awakened by a desperate scientist in a politically correct world that’s on the verge of collapse. Aliens have already destroyed the White House, and the scientist doesn’t know what else to do but release Duke prematurely. After a brutal exchange of fist-versus-claw, Duke quickly learns that he can’t defeat the aliens with pure machismo. Through the bullet-proof windows of the “Big Corn” tower, Duke helplessly watches throngs of innocent adult men (no women, just men) slain before his eyes by a rampaging cyclops.

It’s a horrific massacre. In a moment that shows how much has changed in the fifteen years since Duke Nukem 3D, Duke sheds a single manly tear. The camera pulls away from Duke and surging symphonic music accompanies a panoramic view of the ruined city. The setting sun is a deep metaphor representing the end of humanity.

Duke and the scientist enlist the aid of four hardcore mercs — one of them is a strong-willed, independent female who pilots a sweet mobile suit — and the game chronicles this group’s quest to free the ravaged earth. Instead of playing through the whole game as Duke, stages are played from the perspective of these various characters. One by one, the mercs are slain during the game’s frequent cinematic scenes. Prior to the final level, the scientist who had awakened Duke — a physicist named Doctor Freeman — is shot in the back. He lives long enough to deliver a stirring speech on the importance of freedom. Freeman also expresses his gratitude at the opportunity to know Duke, and calls him “a true friend”.

This level ends with Duke turning his tear-streaked face to the sky and screaming “FREEEEEEEEEMAAAAAAAN!!!!!!”

Displaying a bit of self-referential humor, the final stage is titled “Free Mankind”. It starts with a motorcycle sequence, where Duke — tormented by guilt — tries to outrun the ghosts of the past (represented by translucent blue silhouettes of his dead friends). The stage culminates with an all-out war against the remaining alien forces inside an abandoned nuclear power facility. Duke makes the ultimate sacrifice, living up to his name and nuking them all. The credits scroll, set to the sound of silence. After 30 seconds of silent scrolling, some music finally kicks in for the remainder of the credits: the Andrews/Jules version of “Mad World”.

Confession time: I made all of that up.* Critics would have loved that melodramatic nonsense, just like they love all the other “serious” first-person shooters. Thank goodness that’s not the game we got! The game we got starts with Duke pissing in the urinal and grabbing turds out of toilet bowls. When you throw the turd at something, it leaves a gooey brown stain. That’s a good thing. I wish the NPCs reacted when they’re beaned in the head with a lump of crap, but they don’t. That’s a bad thing.

Similar to the promotional screenshot you’ve seen in other reviews, but somehow . . . different!

Early in Duke Nukem Forever, I came across a wipeboard. It had a drawing of a cyclopean alien, and showed several circles (representing commandos) with arrows to indicate their tactical approach. One of the commandos invited me to add my own notes to the board. Without studying what was already there, I picked up a red marker — there are several colors to choose from — and guided Duke’s hand to scrawl the first thing that came to mind.

After drawing a massive red penis across the board, the soldiers praised my daring “strategy”. I then noticed that the military action’s name was written along the top: “OPERATION: COCK BLOCK”.

Duke Nukem Forever was made for me.

As though oblivious to the political correctness that sucks the life from our world like a massive tapeworm, Duke Nukem Forever’s designers have given me the egotistical, chauvinistic Duke that I loved so long ago. In this world, everyone worships Duke Nukem — he’s riding high from his recent (in game time, not real-world time) victory over the aliens in Duke Nukem 3D. The guys all want to be like Duke, and the ladies all want to be nailed by Duke. He’s the alpha of all alphas, and the only person who doesn’t like Duke Nukem is the President of the United States. When snorting, snarling aliens arrive through an interdimensional portal and lay waste to entire cities while murdering thousands of innocents, the President chooses to enter “peaceful” negotiations with the aliens’ 50-foot-tall cyclopean leader (which has a rocket launcher strapped to its arm). The President doesn’t approve of Duke’s “kill ‘em all” mentality, instead touting diplomacy as the solution . . . even after the aliens rip a page out of the B-movie book by kidnapping and impregnating human women.

Duke may be an over-the-top jock stereotype and caricature of hyper-masculinity (“men were born to smash and screw”), but he’s a caricature that gives a damn about protecting his country, especially the women of his country, even if his own President doesn’t. With weapons ranging from shotguns to shrink rays, Duke slaughters berserker pigs and tentacled beasts without hesitation because they’re there and they’re friggin’ EVIL. A great teacher once told me that regardless of how he normally acts, a real man does what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Duke gets shit done. His insensitive (but often funny) quips about dicks, boobs, and abortion don’t negate the fact that he’s putting up the good fight.

Some people won’t like Duke’s attitude. Those people want their war heroes to be clean, but you don’t survive the battlefront by staying clean. You survive the battlefront by firing an RPG at the enemy’s face and shouting a hearty “HELL YEAH” to encourage your mates to do the same, because when your back needs covering, you don’t want it covered by some weaksauce warrior who can’t decide if it’s morally acceptable to kill. Who cares if it’s moral? It’s necessary, and people like Duke are our best friends on the frontline.

But enough about that — Duke Nukem Forever is a videogame, not an essay on the warrior class’s slow social descent through the millennia.

Whereas Duke Nukem 3D was a fast-paced oldschool FPS with loads of exploration and wacky scenarios, Duke Nukem Forever is a slower-paced newschool FPS with loads of wacky scenarios and very little exploration (although not as linear as a pure action title like Modern Warfare 2). For the combat scenes, it’s got Halo’s rejuvenating shield, which is a bit of a bummer since it encourages duck-and-cover tactics that don’t quite fit Duke’s macho style. Between the firefights, Duke engages in some Half-Life style puzzle-solving (he even makes a joke about “Valve puzzles” at one point).

Some of these moments feel like menial labor; one level is simply one big “puzzle” that revolves around obtaining a condom and vibrator so that a stripper can perform a lap dance. That’s easily the worst stage in the game — and not just because the payoff is lousy — but things shape up in the game’s latter half. Duke tears through the desert on a monster truck, guns down shotgun-wielding aliens in a Wild West ghost town shootout, and engages in some surprisingly adept platforming sequences. In one stage, our hero Belmonts himself across a series of moving gears; in another stage, after aliens shrink him to the size of a bug, Duke hops on hamburger buns and runs across heated grills like a macho Micro Machine.

The boss fights that punctuate these stages are impressively designed, often requiring Contra-style pattern memorization and quick reflexes. One creature’s defenses are broken by hurling pipe bombs across a series of bouncy trampoline plants. Ignite those bombs next to her head; as she screams in pain, her face is revealed — this is your chance to launch rockets up her nostrils, so don’t be distracted by the respawning bugs hatching at your feet! It’s a pretty damn cool concept.

Unfortunately, Duke Nukem Forever spends over 30 seconds reloading the stage whenever Duke dies, so these fights aren’t nearly as fun as they should be. A reliable source told me to “GET THE PC VERSION FOR SHORTER LOADING TIMES (HINT HINT)”, but I didn’t listen. I can deal with the outdated graphics, but the console loading times are inexcusable and significantly hurt the game.

Combine those loading times with a two-weapon carrying limit, uneven stages that vary from “lame” to “really fun”, and a rejuvenating shield that makes environmental hazards pointless (don’t worry about raging fires; just run through them, then stand still to recover your health) and you’ve got a game that’s good, but not quite good enough for me to recommend over everything else on the market this summer. But for those who do purchase and persevere to the end, Duke Nukem Forever features one freaking epic final boss fight. I love it when games end on a high note, and this one ends right up there with the best of them.