PCE: Puyo Puyo CD (Super CD)  .

CHAPTER I: GENESIS OF PUYOPUYO

During the late 1980s, development studio Compile — best known in the States for their mech shooters — released a number of adventure games, including the classic Golvellius. Little did anyone suspect that the creation of those worlds was but a prelude to a higher cause: Puyo Puyo, a puzzle bonanza in the vein of Tetris and Columns. Sega turned Compile’s game into an arcade hit; by injecting character-driven versus battles into the blocks-game subgenre, Puyo Puyo inspired future blockbusters such as Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo and Magical Drop.

Within its new world, Compile crafted myriad children in its glorious image. A hierarchy of angels descended upon the lush green landscapes: Harpy and Zombie, Lulu and Schezo, each a huggable soul pilfered from the somewhat-more-serious Madou Monogatari. Yea verily, the inhabitants of Compile prospered and there was much rejoicing.

Alas, this peace was not meant to last. The fallen angel, Satan, corrupted the others’ souls, plunging the world into darkness and despair. Where rainbows once dazzled children, villainy and elephant-men now prospered. In its infinite compassion, Compile could not bring itself to smite its own children. The Almighty Developer instead unleashed upon the outcasts a plague of unmatched proportions: hundreds upon hundreds of small, multicolored, blobular beasts named “PuyoPuyo”. The slimy PuyoPuyos would pile atop the corrupted heathens, rendering them immobile for a short time.

Sadly, the cruel minions of Satan came to learn the customs of the PuyoPuyo. They used this knowledge to subjugate the pitiful little blobs by forming them into like-colored sequences of four or more. This was a great and vicious evil, for when the PuyoPuyo were connected in such a manner, they would EXPLODE into tiny gelatinous bits, their little lives vanishing like tears in Puyo rain.

As Satan’s minions built stone fortresses and staked their claims in the new world, memories of peaceful times were forgotten.

CHAPTER II: MESSIAH OF PUYO PUYO

Thus was born of Compile a daughter — a young, super-deformed saviour for the world named “Arle”. She would wander the lands, search out fallen ones, and engage them in PuyoPuyo combat: a battle in which annihilating her own PuyoPuyo would send even more of the Puyo Plague across to her opponent.

Thus spaketh Compile to the Holy Daughter:

“A PuyoPuyo battle shall proceed in the following manner. First, Arle, you shall seek out and converse with the inhabitants of the World. Should any of them appear suspicious in the pre-battle story scene — should they sing, threaten, or possess a lower body consisting only of a single, gigantic foot — you must challenge them to mortal PuyoPuyo kombat.”

“You and your opponent shall then gather: yourself to the left, your opponent to the right. Let the PuyoPuyo descend quickly from the skies, and fashion them into groupings of four or more. Squares, rows, or squiggly lines . . . it matters not. As long as four of a single color touch one another, those blobs shall burst in eye-pleasing eruptions, creating empty space on your playfield. As this happens, and the remaining PuyoPuyo fall into the newly-cleared area, it is possible to create yet another chain of four in the process . . . I call this ‘combo’, and it shall result in additional misfortune being cast upon your opponent. Beware, for the same may be done to you. If you are overwhelmed and the vile little Puyo flood your entire playing field, you shall lose. Do not let this happen. May the blessings of Compile be upon you, Arle.”

CHAPTER III: LET’S GET REAL

Puyo Puyo CD is a bargain bin jewel, and not just because it’s cute — although that makes it easier to keep playing. Compile’s classic remains a classic because it’s intuitive, it’s challenging, and it’s violent. The little puyos fall fast, so if the game mechanics weren’t intuitive then it would become unplayable pretty quickly. Even an imbecile can figure out that like-colored blobs should touch each other. (Bolded in case any imbeciles happen to read this far.)

Each round pits Arle against a different creature. One could say “they progressively get tougher and blobs fall faster”, but there’s more to Puyo Puyo CD’s gauntlet of goons than that. Each enemy actually demonstrates his/her/its own preference for a particular play style. In later rounds, victory depends on raw luck, mastering combo chains to clear your own playfield as quickly as possible, and watching your Minotaur opponent to predict when he’ll pound you with vengeful retribution puyos.

The bully’s pounding you with retribution because you just laid the smack down on him a few seconds earlier. This girl-versus-goon conflict makes Puyo Puyo CD feel like a “real” game instead of just some casual thing that anyone can pick up, play for a few minutes, and set aside when a hot chick walks into the room. Violence is a meaningful, manly endeavor — no red-blooded warrior wants to admit defeat, and no viking spirit will run away. Real men crush all who oppose them! And they’ll keep crushing every fresh face that appears, because that’s the nature of mankind. We want to be the strongest, and we only know we’ve become the best when the rockin’ war beats cease and there are no more challengers to be slain.

Puyo Puyo CD offers up a lot of challengers . . . and there will be more in Puyo Puyo Tsuu CD.